Are you a good lover?

​She felt like a terrible lover. Awkward and inexperienced. Or at least that’s what she told me. She was a good-looking woman but somehow, she never carried herself with confidence.

​She told me it was about sex. Her lack of sexual confidence made her feel inferior all the time. Even though she almost never actually had sex.

Her husband was critical.

​He told her that she was a bad lover. 

He didn’t actually use those words, but he didn’t need to. He talked about her background, how “uptight” she was, and tried to get her to go to the sex store or to get some sexy lingerie. She wasn’t comfortable, but he pushed her.

Of course, that didn’t help her open up. Often, when he “helped” her, she ended up in tears. And she felt even worse. A terrible lover. Fatally flawed.

Every so often someone asks me what it takes to be a “good lover.” My answer is always the same.

It has everything to do with showing up. Being enthusiastic, playful, open, and passionate.

And nothing to do with some crazy athletic yogic position from the Kama Sutra (like handstand or cartwheel sex)

Showing up is all that really matters. Throw in good hygiene and a willingness to say what you like and you’re almost there.

Sprinkle in heartfelt desire to please your partner and take your time.

Leave your shame at the door. Stop judging yourself (and your partner) for your imperfections. And just show up.

And that’s it! You’re an amazing lover. Honestly.

These simple things are all you need to be amazing.

Simple but easier said than done. That’s true.

Because you’re still hurt from that person who touched you (maybe without your real consent) or someone told you that you didn’t look good or smell good, it’s very difficult to be yourself in the bedroom - or anywhere in the world if you’re honest.

But you’ve got this. The real truth is that you can heal all sorts of painful and challenging things in your life just by letting yourself get turned on and be truly yourself with another human being who loves you and wants to please you.

And if your partner isn’t that person, he/she/they aren’t for you. I mean that. You need someone who really loves you, wants you, and gets you.

Find that person. Be that person. It’s so worth it.  

Maybe it’s time for you to get some of this stuff figured out.

Join me this week for the Covid Relationship Rescue Party on Facebook at 1:00 PM Pacific every day this week. It’s just what you need to start getting what you really want right now.