Every day I talk with couples who are struggling with how to stay connected sexually. Sometimes, it’s been weeks, months or even years since they were physically intimate. I get it.
They’re not on the same page about physical touch, affection or sex. One of them wonders why anyone could care that much about sex. The other can’t imagine how their partner can live without intimate physical connection. They’re at the absolute ends of a libido spectrum. It seems impossible for them to change. Honestly, it is impossible without help.
They need my support - or the support of another sex positive helping professional. Without a third party to help them unravel all the feelings they’re having, they’ll never be able to get rid of the barriers to connection they’re experiencing.
They’re in a hole and if they don’t start digging they’ll never get out.
If this isn’t your sex life right now, count yourself lucky. Maybe you’re still in the NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY that makes everything about your partner feel exciting and sexy.
Maybe you’ve weathered relationship storms and have happily come out on the other side.
Or, maybe you’ve created some intimacy routines that are allowing you to stay connected when others are failing.
What are intimacy routines?
Intimacy routines are things that you do together almost every day that keep you connected as lovers - not just friends.
I say ALMOST every day. If you do something every.single.day without fail, it can be a red flag. Every.single.day means that you may not be responding to challenging things that happen in life. Things like stomach flu and a dog that needs stitches.
I recommend that you establish Almost Every Day Routines in at least two of these three areas:
Morning Connection: This might be a shared cup of coffee or a good morning text if your partner has to get out of the house at the crack of dawn. Maybe spend time sitting together, figuring out what your day is going to look like and planning for dinner or the day, or the week, or the season. Maybe cuddle in bed after you wake up and before you climb out. Maybe dream out loud together about going to a yoga retreat in Costa Rica with your yoga teacher from Minnesota.
Midday Connection: Send each other texts or pictures or emoji’s. Stop by work to say “hi”. Think about a lunch date (or romp in the sack), go for a walk, get coffee together, listen to each other talk about what matters - not just the bills or work stress. Take a bike ride in the summer or a hike on the beach or in the forest.
Bedtime Connection: Be intentional as you get settled for sleep. Let each other know how much you care about each other. Often bedtime isn’t the best time for sex, so don’t put a lot of pressure on yourselves about that. Share tenderness, love, intimacy, and affectionate touch around bedtime.
When you have consistent habits in at least 2 of these 3 areas, you’re giving your relationship a great chance at staying healthy.
You got this.
PS: Need help thinking about this stuff? Sign up for a complimentary virtual coffee chat 1:1 with me using this link: https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/coffeedate.html
PPS: Lots of couples who see me have completely different bedtimes. Many of them sleep in different bedrooms - often for good reasons like snoring or other sleep problems. If this is you, you can still connect around bedtime.