checked out s e x

It was always easier when she kinda checked out when they did it. Or got drunk. Either way - she wasn’t all there. That way it didn’t feel so stressful.

Once when she was being vulnerable, she told him that there were times when she felt like she left her body during sex. That she went somewhere else -  the ceiling in their room or even outside the window. He told me that he wondered when it happened. 

Did it happen all the time? Or most of the time? He felt like it had been forever ago since she'd really been there during sex. When she was really present. When was that anyway? Two years ago? Three? Was she with him that night on that trip to Belize before COVID? No, she was well into her margaritas that night. Drunk sex didn't count. ​
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HIM: I’m not ever sure when it’s happening - the disappearing. Of course I like it better when she’s present, but beggars can't be choosers, can they? 

He told me that it made him sad when he knew that she avoided truly being present with him. They had sex, but the deeper connection was missing - the merging. He craved it. She fled. They met somewhere in the middle - having sex fairly frequently but only when she was absent - either off somewhere else in her mind or under the influence. 

When I talked with her about it, she confirmed his suspicions. It was true that she had trouble being present sexually with him. That she couldn’t get turned or or even relax unless she was under the influence. When she had sober sex, she tended to float off - just like he said. 

HER: I’m just not comfortable having sex. I’ve been that way forever, I guess. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel like we were connected on a deep level. It might be really good, I guess. 

It’s very common for many of us to fear deep sexual connection for lots of reasons. Using drugs or alcohol can make sex seem easier when that’s true. The problem is that when sex is numbed out for any reason, we aren’t able to feel what’s happening in our bodies - the plesasures. And we’re not able to connect emotionally. So, sex isn’t as satisfying as it might be. This means it doesn’t give us the positive feelings and experiences that might make sex more motivating and relaxing. Of course, this becomes a vicious circle - one thing leading to another. 

What I recommend:

1. Try connected sex. If you can, don’t use alcohol or drugs to have sex - particularly not to a point of inebriation. Try to stay present and open. If you feel yourself floating away, keep your eyes open and focus on something in the room that makes you feel peaceful and connected to the moment.
2. Understand your partner. If your partner has trouble being present with you, don’t judge them. Instead, tell him/her/them that you love them and that you’re open to connecting in any way that feels comfortable right now. Because judging your partner will make them feel even less open to being vulnerable with you. 
3. Talk about it. Communication is key when it comes to intimacy. Set up a time to talk. Make sure that you tell your partner that you want to talk about sex because you want to be closer - not because you’re just looking for more sexual gratification for yourself. 

That’s it for now. You may have been disconnecting from yourself and your partner during intimacy. Unfortunately, that means you’re missing something that could be wonderful. Even though it might sound scary right now, taking a risk and changing the way you make love could change your life forever in a beautiful way.

If this sounds like your relationship, let’s talk about it. I help people with these things every day.