Did it happen all the time? Or most of the time? He felt like it had been forever ago since she'd really been there during sex. When she was really present. When was that anyway? Two years ago? Three? Was she with him that night on that trip to Belize before COVID? No, she was well into her margaritas that night. Drunk sex didn't count.
HIM: I’m not ever sure when it’s happening - the disappearing. Of course I like it better when she’s present, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?
He told me that it made him sad when he knew that she avoided truly being present with him. They had sex, but the deeper connection was missing - the merging. He craved it. She fled. They met somewhere in the middle - having sex fairly frequently but only when she was absent - either off somewhere else in her mind or under the influence.
When I talked with her about it, she confirmed his suspicions. It was true that she had trouble being present sexually with him. That she couldn’t get turned or or even relax unless she was under the influence. When she had sober sex, she tended to float off - just like he said.
HER: I’m just not comfortable having sex. I’ve been that way forever, I guess. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel like we were connected on a deep level. It might be really good, I guess.
It’s very common for many of us to fear deep sexual connection for lots of reasons. Using drugs or alcohol can make sex seem easier when that’s true. The problem is that when sex is numbed out for any reason, we aren’t able to feel what’s happening in our bodies - the plesasures. And we’re not able to connect emotionally. So, sex isn’t as satisfying as it might be. This means it doesn’t give us the positive feelings and experiences that might make sex more motivating and relaxing. Of course, this becomes a vicious circle - one thing leading to another.
What I recommend:
That’s it for now. You may have been disconnecting from yourself and your partner during intimacy. Unfortunately, that means you’re missing something that could be wonderful. Even though it might sound scary right now, taking a risk and changing the way you make love could change your life forever in a beautiful way.
If this sounds like your relationship, let’s talk about it. I help people with these things every day.