he could never figure out what to say

What can I do when it’s been days, weeks, months (or even years and years) since my partner and I had any connection that qualifies as pleasurable intimacy?

It was awkward. At a level. They loved each other but being alone together (especially naked - ugh) wasn’t nearly as easy as it used to be. 

---

Back in the day, an afternoon with the power off was an unexpected (and welcome) invitation for deep connection - languorous hours of touching, laughing, napping, and pleasuring each other over and over again. 

Now, it was different. She’d made brownies earlier that day and the battery operated fan he set up in the kitchen definitely wasn’t working very well. This global warming thing was worrisome and annoying. The kitchen was incredibly hot. He suggested they hide out in their room til the power came back on. It was private and reasonably cool in there with the blinds closed.  

She wasn’t having it. Decided to give the dog a bath instead “because he’s been feeling itchy in the heat.” Yeah. That.

He loved her with all his heart and found her incredibly sexy. But they had lots of trouble with sexual initiation. He wasn’t completely sure why it was so tough. They had some concerns, but he knew when they got together it was still great in so many ways. 

It never seemed to be the right time - not even on those days when going outside was impossible and nothing else really worked. When he made some off color reference to sex, she either acted like she didn’t hear it or gave him a look. 
​
It frustrated him, but he understood it was difficult. She was definitely The One for him. Forever and ever. And ever.

Sexual initiation was a challenge for them as it was for almost every couple. Making an invitation to connect intimately is one of the most difficult things couples face. I hear about this every day from clients and friends. 

If this is you don’t despair - you’re not alone in asking this important question, the question we’re all asking…

What can I do when it’s been days, weeks, months (or even years and years) since my partner and I had any connection that qualifies as pleasurable intimacy?

Yesterday, I shared about this on my FaceBook Live. In case you missed it. or want to listen again, here’s the link Or, follow the 3 simple steps below with timestamps to the recording.

2:52 Step #1 Accept the awkwardness. Realize that no matter how much you wish it weren’t true, things have likely become awkward between you - at least on this topic. You’re probably able to discuss everything else. But, sex and intimacy is off the table for lots of reasons. It’s okay. Feeling awkward (and then avoiding the conversation) is exactly what everyone else is doing, too. Accept it and be a hero in your relationship. 

You can say something like “Sugar, sugar - you know I love you, but for whatever reason, we never talk about intimacy anymore. I hate it, but it’s awkward for me. How about you?” 

This is a good start and your partner wlll know you’ve got weird feelings about this stuff, too. 

7:17 Step #2 Have the Talk - and when you do, remember your partner probably has trauma from stuff in their past. These things may have absolutely nothing to do with you. Share how you’ve been feeling, but don’t overwhelm either of you by talking for too long. 

I recommend you keep your initial conversation about intimacy to no more than 20 minutes. You can (and should) come back to the conversation later and dig deeper. Put your phone away and really listen. 

10:40 Step #3 Do something to break the ice. I recommend the Attunement Activation Exercise I created for my clients. It’s basically intentional cuddling (usually done with your clothes on) in a way that’s not sexual or intimidating for either of you. But, you don’t need to use this technique to connect. Just let your partner know that you want to spend some non-threatening, non-sexual time together just hanging out and feeling close - no demands.  

He felt better after they cuddled. It wasn’t naked and it wasn’t sexual. But he knew she was there for him - his beautiful wife who loved him. And he loved her too. Tomorrow they’d talk about it a little more. He’d ask her how he could support her without demanding anything that was painful or embarrassing. She felt his tenderness and warmth. He felt her love. They’d taken the first step. You can do this in your relationship, too.

You got this. 


Xoxo
Jane
PS: If you want more info about the Attunement Activation Exercise, or if you just want to talk to me about what’s been going on in your life, use this link https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/coffeedate.html and book a complimentary virtual coffee with me. I’d love to chat with you!