he was hardly there

Maybe it was something physical. (Like heart disease or diabetes. But the urologist and the pelvic floor physical therapist both said everything was fine.)
She felt bad when he got soft. Like it was her fault. Maybe it was because she wasn’t hot enough. Or sexy enough. Or tiny enough. Or had big enough boobs. Maybe it was her.

He felt bad when he got soft. Like it was his fault. Maybe it was because he wasn’t young enough. Or manly enough. Or turned on enough. Or enough for her.

---

Maybe it was his testosterone level. (That checked out okay.)

Maybe it was because he got in his head too much or cared too much about pleasing her. (That’s a possibility). 

Maybe it was because of something physical. (Like heart disease or diabetes. But the urologist and the pelvic floor physical therapist both said everything was fine.)

Maybe it was his porn habit. (Could be a problem - because of unrealistic expectations.)

So many possible reasons, but only one challenging outcome. 

They finished up quickly because neither of them knew what to do about it. They were embarrassed and unsure how to handle the awkward silence that followed. 

He said, “I can’t believe that happened. It’s never happened before.”

She replied, “I know honey, it’s totally fine. We’re both just tired. We’ll get more sleep tonight.”

She got up and started the coffee. He jumped in the shower. Of course, now his erection came roaring back and he wanted to call her in to look at it. Kinda like a kid trying to please his mom - which made him feel incredibly awkward. 

When they discussed it very briefly later, she said it didn’t matter to her. 

Which if he was honest, made him feel worse. How could it not matter? Did their connection - this most important part of what they did together (at least for him) not matter to her? 

He wanted her to be devastated about it like he was. 

But at the same time, he was glad that she hadn’t made it a big deal. If she’d been really upset about it, he didn’t know if he could keep it together. 

When he tried it on his own later, things were working fine. That made him feel better. Maybe it was something about their relationship that had him in his head. (And not in a good way.) Whatever it was, he needed it to change.

But, their intimacy had fallen off to once every couple weeks at most. That meant they wouldn’t have another chance until next month. 

He wished they made love more frequently. But, she’d think he was desperate if he asked her again now. They had a rhythm that worked and he didn’t want to rock the boat. But it was on his mind all the time. 

As the days passed, he could feel himself getting more and more worried. He knew anxiety was a boner killer but he had trouble letting go of his fear of failing. 

This story repeats over and over in my practice. I reassure my clients that they’re not alone. I help them manage their expectations, find solutions to the problems they’re facing, and to talk about it. 

You might imagine that it’d be easy to handle this situation, but it’s definitely not. If you were in this situation, what would you do? In case you run into this problem in your life, here’s what to do…

If your male partner has trouble getting or keeping hard during sex:

1. Don’t take it personally.
2. Be reassuring but not condescending.
3. Have an open mind about medical or other options he might try..
4. Think about offering more frequent sex so that things aren’t so high stakes.
5. Decrease your expectations. 
6. Set up a complimentary call with me here: Virtual Coffee Chat - Dr. Jane Guyn

If you’re a man who’s having trouble getting or staying hard during sex:

1. Realize it’s not the end of the world.
2. Recognize that we’re mind body beings - and stay present during sex.
3. Consider some effective medical treatments - like ED meds, vacuum devices, or even penile injections or implants.
4. Think about the way porn might be impacting the way you see your partner. 
5. Get on my schedule using this link: Virtual Coffee Chat - Dr. Jane 

That’s it. There are so many ways that intimate moments can go astray. And when things soften up in ways that don’t feel good for either of you, don’t despair. 

You can do hard things, too. 

Xoxo

Jane