how to accept that trauma stays with you without letting it define you

Trauma is the through line of my life story. It doesn’t define me, but sometimes it’s in the color. Sometimes just the texture.

I wish it weren’t true. But it is. Trauma is widespread. It’s epidemic. 

It’s in you. In your history.

It’s in mine. I know it like the back of my aging hand. It’s been with me since my girlhood. I bet you know your trauma history, too. ​

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Trauma is the through line of my life story. It doesn’t define me, but sometimes it’s in the color. Sometimes just the texture.  It holds my story together.

I see it in my responses - the way I hold back. I recognize it when I’m tearful and when my feelings are the last thing I can access. I remember the bigger parts of my traumatic history like a child remembers scenes from a fave Disney movie. And I can recite it the way a boy scout recited the pledge before we figured out all the stuff about that organization.

A terrifyingly alcoholic father who shoved me around.
A violent and unfaithful first husband when I was very young.
The high school psychology teacher who seduced me. (See first husband, above.)

I have trauma creds. 

Of course,  my trauma isn’t as traumatic as yours, or his or hers. 

Trauma takes many different forms. I’ll talk about this later, but just by living in our culture we’re traumatized - no matter how fortunate or privileged we perceive ourselves to be. 

My trauma is my own. And yours is yours. Our job is to respect each other for what’s happened to us, with us, around us.

And not to let it define us. To keep the past from ruining the now. From destroying us. 

Now, I have an amazing life with an absolutely wonderful husband. Of course, it’s not perfect. I’ll share more about what’s been happening with us in the coming months, but generally, we’ve been incredibly lucky. We’re passionately in love. I’m a privileged woman with happy grown kids and a beautiful grandson. 

I’m honored to do the work I love - teaching you how to release trauma and other bodily held shame, how to open to what you desire in your sensual and intimate life  and how to talk about what you want with a lover (or even a trusted friend.)

This work is my life’s work. It’s my mission even. Together we’re learning to let go of the toxic shame that comes from our traumatic experiences. 

When you’re flooded with traumatic memories, it’s almost impossible to be present so that you can let go. I get it. Sometimes it seems impossible for me, too. I get caught in the shame spirals. I disappear from the now.

Because even though trauma isn’t our fault, our response often includes self shaming reactions to whatever happened. 

One day it’s just a shadow. Another, it's a nightmare. Each of us knows what felt (and may still feel) traumatic in our lives.  We have to deal with these things. 

My trauma doesn’t (and can’t) define who I am right now. Neither can yours. By definition, trauma is something from the past. It’s over. We’re here right now. In this space, not that one.

My history will stay with me but not define me. I can’t change the past and neither can you. My responses to what happened are something different. They define me now. They make today different from yesterday.

Progress. That’s the work. And the reward.

Xoxo

Jane

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