How to have a great relationship even without s e x

Sex was a real problem. There were arguments. Tears and accusations. Even therapy and conversations about divorce. But that’s all over now. 
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Let’s face it. You’re not having sex. At least not more than a couple of times a year. Maybe more. Maybe less. 

It’s been like this for a long time. Nothing’s changing. Don’t even need to talk about it anymore. You both know that this is the way it is. And the way it'll be.​

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For a long time, the lack of sex was a real problem. There were arguments. Tears and accusations. Even therapy and conversations about divorce. But that’s all over now. 

Now, it’s just quiet. And kind of distant. Or, even very distant. Your “big problem” isn’t mentioned. No more sex fights at bedtime or tension with your pour over coffee. Now, you have another problem. 

You’re disconnected. Like roommates who usually get along ok. Two people who live side-by-side, platonically.

Is it a great relationship?

No, it’s not. 

It’s not great for you, but it’s not because of the lack of sex thing. 

In a way, that’s a relief.

The reason you’re not satisfied is because you don’t have affection, intimacy, or playfulness in your life anymore. 

When sex left, it took that stuff with it. Like you cleaned out the hall closet and accidentally sent the dry cleaning bag to Goodwill. The closet’s pretty much empty now, but some of your favorite things are gone and you don’t know how to get them back. 

You’re disappointed and you miss the stuff that’s lost.

Your partner may have a different opinion, but you want simple connection and affection. You want to be lovers who’ve lost passion but still kept tenderness. 


YOU: Why don’t we spend time together anymore?

YOUR PARTNER: What do you mean? We had that BBQ on Saturday.

YOU: But it wasn’t personal. You never touched me.

YOUR PARTNER: The kids and the neighbors were all there. I thought you had fun.

YOU: I did have fun. It’s just that I want more private and personal time with you. More affection.

YOUR PARTNER: Oh wow. Are we going to start talking about intimacy again? I’m not sure we should re-open that can of worms. 

YOU: I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about holding hands, cuddling, and feeling close. You know…being loving. 

YOUR PARTNER: Well, I agree that it’s hard to live without any affection. You know where I stand on sex. I want you. You know this. 

YOU: Let’s not bring sex into this. I want to feel close. To feel loved. 

YOUR PARTNER: I never really know how to make things better for us. It’s so frustrating. 

And around and around you go. 

So you stop talking about it. You don’t know how to make your relationship feel great right now - even without the sex. 

Because the truth is that this is your relationship. This one right now. The no sex one. 

You don’t get to change reality. Neither do I. We start where we are today, in this relationship. 


Want to make things better? Try these simple steps:

1. Talk (at least a little bit) about sex and affection - understand each other’s desires.
   
   
2. Create a walking practice - 10 minutes out 10 minutes back. Put a timer on your phone. (Maybe even talk about sex and affection while you walk.)
   
   
3. Set up a morning and evening ritual together so that you can talk about your day.
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4. Hold hands when you’re in public or sitting together at home - start making a connection.

That’s it for right now. 

Let me know how it goes. Nice and easy.

Xoxo

Jane


PS: I teach couples how to fix their sex lives in my new online course and in 1:1 or group sessions with me. But, the first step is to start where you are today. Right now. In this life today.

PSS: And, if you’re ready to do something more than holding hands, here’s the link: https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/fysl.html