How to refresh your love life after a long period without sex

It had been cold - not just outside their house in Central Oregon, but cold inside their personal lives - their relationship. It seemed like forever since anything warm happened in the kitchen - let alone in the bedroom. ​

---

ME: So, how long’s it been since the two of you were intimate?
HIM: Intimate? Do you mean hugging or holding hands? Kissing? Sex?
ME: Any of that.  How long’s it been since you were affectionate together?
HIM: To be honest, I can’t remember the last time we actually touched each other at all.
ME: That’s too bad. How do you feel about that?
HIM: It makes me sad to realize it.  
 
In truth, it had  been very cold between them. Like Bend, OR in February. Or even Minneapolis, MN. And, it had been this way for a long time. So long that he could hardly remember the warmer times. Eventually, he remembered that they’d had a couple intimate experiences during the pandemic, but since then, things had been completely off. Ice cold.   
                                                                                                 
These clients were like lots of the couples I work with. The pandemic exposed the wintery bedtime stories they’d been telling each other about their relationship for way too long. 

The We Don’t Have Time Story. 
The We’re Too Busy Story. 
The It’s Okay if We Never “Do It” Story. 
The Sex Isn’t Important Anymore Story. 
The We Won’t Get Divorced Story.

Sound familiar? 
What kind of stories are you telling yourself about your relationship  these days? 
What’s the truth? What’s really happening? 

2023 is coming to a very quick end. It’s almost over. Lots of us are taking stock of where we were at the beginning of the year and where we are now. We’re thinking about next year. We’re wondering what kind of changes 2024 might bring. 

How about you? The first of this year seems like yesterday, but it wasn’t. 365 Days have passed.  There have been many, many moments. There have been many, many shared opportunities, experiences and expectations. Opportunities taken, opportunities lost. 

What’s happened? Has your relationship felt amazing and passionate or frustrating and almost impossible? 

What have you done to make things better? Have you talked with your partner about your frustrations? Have you read books on communication or intimacy?  Have you been working with an individual therapist? Have you found a couples’ counselor? Have you sought help from a sex positive professional? 

Are you closer to having the alive, connected and truly intimate life you deeply desire than you were 12 months ago? 


In my clients’ bedroom, things were warming up. They realized that talking honestly about what they really wanted  was the key to feeling connected and comfortable. Even though it was difficult, they learned how to communicate about their desires and how to express their feelings. Their interactions together were friendlier and more playful. They started sharing affection again - a kiss here, a hug there. The pressure they’d felt about “going all the way” disappeared. Their mutual sense of embarrassment slowly disappeared.

I know it’s hard to think about these things. But, you and I both know that these problems almost never fix themselves. It’s hard to defrost the coldness without help. Wouldn’t it be great to feel all warm and fuzzy as a couple a year from now?

Xoxo

PS: Here’s a link to get on my calendar for a complimentary virtual coffee chat. It’s so nice and so easy: Virtual Coffee Chat

Dr. Jane Guyn