she just stopped doing it

She just stopped doing it.

​it wasn't that she didn't love him, because she did. But one day, she just said "no" i'm not going to have sex that I don't enjoy. I’m done. like completely. No more of that BS. 

It was hard on him at first because he hadn't really gotten the memo that she didn't like it. He asked and sometimes it was a "yes" and sometimes it was a "no", but he never thought he was pressuring her. When they had sex, he felt close and she seemed to climax. He was confused. What was he doing wrong?​

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Their relationship had been amazing at first. They worked together in the same building and the attraction was intense. A palpable desire. Like frenzied teenagers in the back of a car on the old dump road.  Sometimes it made them laugh out loud, because they could hardly keep their hands off each other and the rest of the world seemed so boring and blah.

When they decided to get married, sex was the last thing that worried them. They thought about their age difference (he was older) and discussed their upbringing (he'd been raised more conservatively) but  sex - not an issue they worried about. They were on fire. 

When baby came, things slowed down a little but they picked right back up after she stopped nursing. They were loving parents who thought deeply about their daughter's development. They had date nights with babysitters. She did yoga and was the primary breadwinner because he was slowly winding down in his career. Nothing was really wrong, they’d just lost the passion they'd once shared until the sex was “meh” and she was totally bored. 

Anthropologists who study early human sexuality say that women have historically needed variety to stay alive and juicy.  They say that it's in our biology since in traditional societies women were responsible for gathering food plants and berries and preparing food. This means that we women have ancestrally determined abilities to look for little differences in the world around us. In fact, noticing the little differences could be life saving. Is that mushroom good to eat or poisonous to our children?

This translates into our sexual lives too. Our capacity has become our desire. Please don't offer us the same thing in the same positions over and over again, (unendingly) and expect us to stay turned on and receptive.

So when their sex life grew routine, only fitting into the limited times during the week when they could squeak out 20 minutes, her openness started to disappear. She was down for a quickie ever so often, but their sex life had become a diet of quickies. She wanted more time to really drop in together - to let their energies attune before they had sex and to be together laughing and touching afterwards. She wanted to try new things, to explore together with curiosity. He would have liked these things too, but he got the sense that she was busy so he tried to keep it quick - a basic area of misunderstanding. Sometimes she did encourage him to finish quickly, he was right about that. He just didn’t understand that it was because she didn’t really want to be doing what they were doing - she wanted something else. 

That's when we started working together. Actually, they joined the Masterclass after  one sexless year when a friend forwarded them an email from me. They were ready to figure out what was wrong and how to make it right. They connected with people in their group (she was in the women's group and he was in the men's) and they really dropped in to all the experiences and exercises that we do together. After the program was over,
they told me that they’d made huge changes in their sex life without going to counseling. 

They were really making love again. They understood each other on many levels. 

It was a complete honor to guide them. 

xoxo

Jane

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