An 81 year old woman walked into my office recently. Her primary care doctor sent her to me. The driver from assisted living drove her. She wore a shampoo and set hairdo, a perfectly pressed cardigan with sensible shoes and walked with a cane. She didn’t have any teeth - couldn’t find her dentures that morning.
She had that endearing way of talking. Too much gum. Not enough teeth.
I saw my future - a little old lady who somehow couldn’t find her teeth. In the sex coach’s office at 80+ years old.
If you know me personally, you know that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my stuff. I’m always shuffling it, shuffling my shit. I hate it. And, at that very moment when she was in my office, my Apple Watch was lost somewhere in my house. Very aggravating.
I could empathize with the issue she was having.
We talked about it. I wanted to help. I’ve got “finding creds” because I’ve lost stuff so often in my life that I know the drillI. I asked if the teeth might be in her robe pocket, under her pillow, or maybe in her purse. We talked through the options. She ended up saying she might have accidentally dropped them in the trash. Not sure that I’ve ever done that but I could see it happening.
I asked her why she’d decided to come see me. Was it a sex problem? I asked.
“Yes”, she said. “I want a boyfriend. I want to have sex again”.
Here was this darling little woman, cane and all, no teeth, in my office, in her 80’s telling me that she wanted sex.
I absolutely loved it.
What a wonderful conversation. What a claiming of unapologetic vitality. What an unapologetic request for pleasure. What bravery.
So many people decades younger than she is tell me they’re too old to care about sex anymore. They say their sex lives are finished before they turn 70, 60 or even 50.
This woman is my personal hero - a single, turned on octogenarian who knows how to get the help she needs in her life.
We talked about her options, what she was hoping for, and how I could support her in getting that. We talked about her previous sexual experiences, her current situation, and her specific sexual interests. After talking with me for an hour, she had some answers.
We hadn’t solved the problem with her teeth, but she had a Sex Life Game Plan to use when she got back to assisted living. She knew what she was going to say to a particular male friend. She knew what she hoped might happen. She giggled a little as she left my office in downtown Bend. Her driver showed up on time and off she went.
What about you? How’s your sex life? It’s never too late to make a change.
You got this.
PS: It’s never too late to ask for what you want. You’re never too old to express your sexual desires. Having a cane (or missing teeth) won’t keep you from having a satisfying sexual life.