soul crushing

Soul Crushing.

That’s how it feels to live in a dead bedroom  - a relationship that’s seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. People in dead bedrooms use the words SOUL CRUSHING over and over again when they talk about their relationships.

​That’s because life feels impossible when something so fundamental is lacking - the feeling of being accepted, loved and welcomed by the person they want most in the world.

When I researched my book "Too Busy to Get Busy: How To Fix Your (Almost) Sexless Relationship" I posted a survey on the Reddit deadbedrooms subthread and got 100 responses. I asked questions like:  

How often do you have sex? 

What have you tried to make things better? 

And this one...

“What does it feel like to live in a dead bedroom?” 

The words SOUL CRUSHING were used by 40% of the respondents  - even though there wasn't a drop down list of words to use. 

People typed in the words "soul crushing" again and again. 

Soul crushing. 

We’re embodied beings in this life. The connection or disconnection of our bodies hits us on a soul level. Reject my body and you reject my being. 

If you're the lower libido person in your relationship, think about this. Your partner is feeling rejected not only in a physical way, but in the place where he/she/they lives spiritually at his/her/their core. 

When you say that sex “just doesn't matter to you” and that you're “not unhappy with your sex life” and that you think your partner “may just need to learn to be okay with this” you're hurting him/her/them.

You're making your partner feel rejected and abandoned. You're making him/her/them feel unattractive and unloved. They often don’t know how to talk to you about how they feel and they get resentful and angry. You start walking on eggshells about everything - not just intimacy. 

It’s terrible for both of you. 

If you're in a soul crushing dead bedroom, get on my calendar and let's talk about it. 

Xoxo

Jane

PS: I'm often on the Reddit r/DeadBedroom subthread. If you’re not familiar with Reddit, essentially, it’s a massive collection of forums where people share news and content or comment on other peoples’ posts. 

PSS: If you’re interested in reading how it feels to live without intimacy in your relationship and how some people try to solve that problem check the forum/subthread here.

PSSS: In fact, I’m doing an event called an Ask Me Anything (AMA) on that subthread on December 2nd, 2021 from 9 am- 12 pm PST. If you’ve ever wanted to ask me a confidential question, jump on the subthread and join the conversation.