When I researched my book "Too Busy to Get Busy: How To Fix Your (Almost) Sexless Relationship" I posted a survey on the Reddit deadbedrooms subthread and got 100 responses. I asked questions like:
How often do you have sex?
What have you tried to make things better?
And this one...
“What does it feel like to live in a dead bedroom?”
The words SOUL CRUSHING were used by 40% of the respondents - even though there wasn't a drop down list of words to use.
People typed in the words "soul crushing" again and again.
We’re embodied beings in this life. The connection or disconnection of our bodies hits us on a soul level. Reject my body and you reject my being.
If you're the lower libido person in your relationship, think about this. Your partner is feeling rejected not only in a physical way, but in the place where he/she/they lives spiritually at his/her/their core.
When you say that sex “just doesn't matter to you” and that you're “not unhappy with your sex life” and that you think your partner “may just need to learn to be okay with this” you're hurting him/her/them.
You're making your partner feel rejected and abandoned. You're making him/her/them feel unattractive and unloved. They often don’t know how to talk to you about how they feel and they get resentful and angry. You start walking on eggshells about everything - not just intimacy.
It’s terrible for both of you.
If you're in a soul crushing dead bedroom, get on my calendar and let's talk about it.
PS: I'm often on the Reddit r/DeadBedroom subthread. If you’re not familiar with Reddit, essentially, it’s a massive collection of forums where people share news and content or comment on other peoples’ posts.
PSS: If you’re interested in reading how it feels to live without intimacy in your relationship and how some people try to solve that problem check the forum/subthread here.
PSSS: In fact, I’m doing an event called an Ask Me Anything (AMA) on that subthread on December 2nd, 2021 from 9 am- 12 pm PST. If you’ve ever wanted to ask me a confidential question, jump on the subthread and join the conversation.
1/2/2023 06:14:41 pm
Fantastic writing! Your relationship is "good", "solid". You raised great kids. BUT as hard as we try to divorce our sexuality from our core self or attempt to crush away our erotic energy - it returns. It asks for our attention. It asks for nutrition. And yet again we convince ourselves to quiet the fire. Menopause or medical conditions may diminish our partners libido to nearly nothing. Daily masterbation and porn actually keep us stuck - not that they are wrong - but that they put off the conversation with our partner for another year, another decade or the rest of our life together. We convince ourselves that we remained "strong", that we didn't sound "creepy" in our delivery and that we never got too "vulnerable". Welcome to the beginning of Dead Bedroom.
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