They’re not thinking much about giving or getting oral sex. They’re trying to get out of their heads and into their bodies.
To be present.
To show up.
To be ready.
The whole oral sex thing is at another level. And it’s difficult. But in truth, everything about physical intimacy is difficult for lots of us.
We're in our heads, wondering about things, thinking about things, worrying about things. Things, things, things.
And when we have things on our minds, opening our bodies to intimacy is the last thing we're thinking about.
Him: You look beautiful tonight. I love that color on you.
Her: Oh, sorry. I was distracted. What'd you say? I was texting Emily about the condo.
Him: I said you look beautiful in that green. Gorgeous.
Her: Oh, thank you.
Him: I'd love to spend some intimate time with you. It's been a while since we connected.
Her: Oh gosh, has it been? I thought we had sex last week.
Him: It was 3 and a half weeks ago. I remember.
Her: Really? That seems impossible. Pretty sure it was last week. But, now's not a good time. I've got my book club meeting this week and your niece is visiting on Monday. I've got a lot on my mind.
Him: Okay. Sure. Another time.
This scenario repeats itself over and over. The parts and players are interchangeable, but the dialog persists.
When we live in our heads, intimacy and connection aren't even roommates. They're distant cousins. And they seldom visit. Not even for Christmas.
Here's what I recommend:
1) Recognize the problem
If you're the one who lives in your head when it comes to intimacy, take note. Of course, lots of the things you're thinking about really ARE important. But, you can live your life spinning in a maze of your own making if you're not careful. Prioritize connection with your partner if you can. Giving and receiving very simple non-sexual pleasure will help you feel more embodied, so that you’re more grounded. In the long run, this’ll decrease your sense of stress.
2) Empty your head
Having difficulty being calm and quiet in your mind is a problem for many of us. If this is you, do what you can to get your thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Or, maybe create a google doc for your good ideas. They'll be there when you come back. You can ask your partner to give you an assist. They can take notes while you let it all go. Being witnessed feels good. Wasn't that easy?
3) Connect quietly with your partner and settle your mind
Snuggling with your partner is a not-so-threatening way to settle your mind and build your relationship. Set up times when you’re not feeling rushed (is that even possible? lol) and lie down together for even a few minutes. Set a timer. Don’t make it a sexual thing. Just tuck in and be quiet. Adjust your position so that you both feel comfortable. Let it be enough.
I know that when you're in your head, it's tough to be intimate. It may feel impossible to receive any touch at all.
By using the 3 simple ideas above, you'll be one step closer to quieting your mind - even for just a little while - so that you can connect with your partner - and yourself.