take care of your own sweet self, sugar sugar

I’d been attracted to women for more than a hot minute, but somehow even the college “near misses” never happened, and here I was a grown-up person who didn’t understand my sexuality completely

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It was a long time ago. And I was a virgin. At least a virgin when it came to exploring my sexuality with another woman. I’d been attracted to women for more than a hot minute, but somehow even the college “near misses” never happened. Here I was a grown-up person who didn’t understand my sexuality completely. I wanted to know more.


Being sexual with someone of your own gender isn’t for everyone. It’s not always been for me either, but there have been times in my life when the deep desire for girl/girl s e x has come to me like the warm air through a screen in the middle of a Midwest summer. Hot and all encompassing.
 
As someone who connects with a partner on lots of levels, I wasn’t just looking to fill my curiosity about a woman’s body (although that did happen, and it was incredibly healing). I wanted to explore what it felt like to know another woman intimately. To be seen by her. To let her see me.  

We women are often guarded with each other. We hold ourselves defensively. We hide our infinite flaws with concealer, perfume, product, and Spanx.
 
We’re not just hiding for the boiz.
 
In fact, if the truth were known, the boiz often prefer us in our natural state – clean and naked - open to connection without all the fuss.

We’re hiding from each other. Shielding ourselves from the critical gaze of a sister, a friend, or a frenemy. We’ve internalized misogyny. We hate on ourselves before someone else can hate on us first. We do our very best to hide our pain from each other and the world. “I’m fine,” we say.
 

My first sexual experience with a woman shook all that. I remember being incredibly nervous – (terrified really) as I waited for her to arrive for our date.  I remember bolstering my confidence with liquid courage, pacing the room, texting a guy friend who reminded me that I was beautiful, and that it would be okay in the end. I remember the first kiss. The touching. The passion.
 
But what I remember most was how effortless it was to pleasure her, how beautiful her body was, how going down on her was so much like kissing, and how I’d been lied to about my own body for so long.
 
I’d absorbed the Big Lie from society that something about my body was distasteful or unappealing. That my scent or intimate appearance was “nasty” or not good enough. That when a lover offered to give me oral s e x, I should feel bad if it took “too long” because that person was making a sacrifice for me. Suffering.
 
Being with a woman changed all that. I saw the Big Lie for what it was – an attempt to keep me from feeling empowered and sexually confident. Because even though sexual confidence attracts us at the deepest level, there’s something about an empowered, sexually confident woman that threatens us.
 
Now, I know the truth. I know that despite my many obvious flaws, my body is amazing. I know that when I connect with another person intimately, I’m giving us both a great gift.
 
And so are you.
 
We live in these beautiful bodies – our Earth Suits.
We live in these bodies so that we can experience all 5 of our senses. So that we can give and receive pleasure.
 
I deserve all of this and so do you.  This is what I’m here to teach you. It’s my mission. I’m here to let you (and all my clients) know that you’re completely okay. That you’re good enough. That you’re beautiful. Lovable.
 
That claiming what you want without self-hatred or shame is a gift - not only to yourself, but to your lover(s) and even to the world.
 
I teach this to the women (and men, and non-binary humans) who’re called to open to who THEY ARE sexually. To claim their own truth for themselves.
 
And, I tell them that when someone is honored to provide them with pleasure
 by kissing or touching them in the most intimate way, instead of dropping into some narrative of not good enoughness of shame and saying “Sorry it took so long,”
 
They should realize what a beautiful gift of presence they’ve given to their lover,
and say “You’re welcome” instead.
 
Yes, that’s it.
 
“You’re welcome.”  Absolutely.
 
xoxo

Jane
 

PS: Your needs and desires are yours alone – something inside of you (only y.o.u.) that deserves to be expressed – and when you’re ready, to be shared with a loving and trustworthy partner (always and only trustworthy).
 
PPS: You don’t have to want to have s e x with another woman to explore your sexuality.
 
PPPS: Want to get on a call with me to talk about all of it? Here’s a link to book a 30-minute virtual coffee with me. It’s my gift to you. https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/coffeedate.html