Tell Me Your Secrets

​“We have to talk about something. You’re the only person in the whole world I’d ever tell,” she said. “No problem.” I said, “I hear that all the time.”​
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It wasn’t new. People have lots of secrets. And they need someone to talk to about them. ​

The funny thing is that I can almost always guess the secret - even before they say one word. ​

​“What’s up?” I asked. ​
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And then she told me her story. It was something about her desire for change in her sex life. A secret that felt impossible to share with people she knew in her day to day life. ​
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She and her husband had a darling family. They were busy with all the things families do - the POD get-togethers, the unending Zoom calls, the snack prep. It was all the work of a normal school year without the good stuff. She even missed Back-To-School night. #impossible​
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She loved her kids, but she had desires. She told me that she remembered the French lover she met when she did a year abroad as a Junior in college. Sometimes she went on Facebook and stalked him after the kids were asleep. She said she had fantasies about getting on an airplane and flying to see him (with a mask on but no fear in her heart).
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She thought about brushing up on her French. Looked into online language learning classes. ​
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She asked me “Do you think I’m a terrible person?”​

“Absolutely not,” I said. ​
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Her fantasies were keeping her alive during this challenging time. She wanted to escape to another life. A different husband, cuter kids, a fluffier dog that didn’t make messes or chew the corners off her mom’s old grandfather clock. ​
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I understood. ​
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But the real problem was something different. She’d never created the kind of relationship with her husband that lit her up. She’d known it for a long time. Since even before the kids were born. ​
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Sure, they loved each other. But they’d lost track of any sexual chemistry years ago. It seemed impossible to get it back despite weekly so-called “date nights” and the occasional trip to the lingerie shop. ​
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When we started working together, they were more roommates than lovers. French Guy Fantasy didn’t surprise me. Her desire had to go somewhere and she didn’t have an outlet in her marriage. ​
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Things were rough between them. They fought fiercely after the kids went to bed and sometimes in the morning about a Zoom flub up. ​
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I told them I would guide them through 5 simple steps. With each step, they understood themselves and each other better. They learned how to communicate without being insulting.
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Over the weeks, the fighting stopped and they softened. They started to make love again. In a way that felt good for them both. That filled them. ​
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At the end of it all, she said “You’ve completely changed my life.”​

I told her that she was the one who’d done the work. I’d only been the guide. ​
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But, still, it felt good to hear how happy they were. A true honor.​

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