Sally: "How do you know they're really...?"
Harry: "What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?"
Sally: "It's possible"
Harry: "Get out of here"
Sally: "Most women at one time or another have faked it"
Harry: "Well, they haven't faked it with me"
Sally: "How do you know"
Harry: "Because I know"
Sally: "Right, right, I forgot - you're a man"
Harry: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sally: "Nothing. it's just that all men are sure that it doesn't happen to them and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math"
Harry: "You don't think that I can tell the difference?
And so begins the “faux O” scene in a NYC deli. The scene ends with Rob Reiner's mother’s famous line "I'll have what she's having."
And the crowd went wild. At least the women in the crowd. The men - not so much.
Men often ask me why women would ever fake orgasm. It seems incomprehensible to them. But too many of us, it feels difficult (if not impossible) to climax - particularly when we feel pressured.
The problem with female orgasm is that it's more subtle and varied than its male counterpart. Many of us don't understand our own pleasure response. When we don't understand, it's hard for us to help you help us.
You may be a great lover. Or you may be someone who just wants to check that box. We want you to be happy but we might feel pressured and unsure. Sometimes, we want the whole thing to stop because we don’t think we’re going to “get there” and it’s exhausting to keep trying
Which means you work even harder. Which makes us feel even less open, and more stressed. And we're less likely to respond. And you’re more likely to feel frantic.
So we fake it. To put us both out of our misery.
What can be done to stop this crazy business?
Here's what I recommend if you've been faking orgasm (or if you think your partner has):
1) Slow down. It seems like I always recommend this. But, slowing down is very important when it comes to orgasm for women. We often get overwhelmed when things are too fast. Slow down and listen to subtle responses - including the request to stop. Maybe we want to take a rest. Maybe we're ready to be finished right now. Slow your roll.
2) Don't put pressure on yourself or on your partner. Of course, getting off is nice. But you may not realize that an orgasm may be less important for your partner than connection and pleasure. And, you may be surprised to know that your female lover can be having orgasm and still have unsatisfying sex if she doesn’t feel connected. Take the pressure off and see what happens.
3) Let go of limiting orgasmic beliefs. I remember hearing a mentor in the sexuality field share her personal orgasmic discovery. She told us that when she was young, she thought she could only climax with direct clitoral stimulation and straight legs. As she got older, she let go of that limiting belief and was stunned to realize that she got pleasure in many different ways. Your (or your partner’s) beliefs about how you achieve climax (or don't) may be getting in the way of your pleasure. Explore the possibilities.
4) Focus on peak pleasure. When you allow yourself (or your partner) to claim whatever pleasure you're both experiencing right now as your PEAK PLEASURE, you're on your way to expanded orgasmic capacity. The question "did you cum?" asked over and over to a woman, doesn't help her connect to what's happening. As we expand our orgasmic capacity, we find all sorts of wonderful sensations that might not initially feel orgasmic, but that build in us over time. Let that be good enough.
5) Ask “How can I please you?” When you ask your partner about pleasure, instead of climaxing, we will be more open sharing. Don't make us claim orgasm in any one moment. Allow us to be in peak pleasure right now. Keep turning toward pleasure and away from performance.
Just say yes.