She imagined him behind her, touching her - maybe in public somewhere. Of course, she’d never actually do that. She was quite private.
She got turned on. Which was a good thing. It didn’t always happen, but when it did, she loved the warm flowing feeling in her body when she heard his voice on the phone. Or the thought of him. Sometimes, she had trouble getting herself into the right headspace. But, on this particular day, for no particular reason, her body was right there. Responsive and alive. She tingled with a sensation like no other.
When she told him she got butterflies, he looked curious. As if he had no idea what she was talking about.
“Butterflies”, she said.
That sensation of lift when she saw him from a distance. The quick breath in. The flushed face and chest. A little bit. She asked him if he got butterflies, too.
“No”, he said. “I get hard.”
But, today it was more than butterflies. She was feeling something different. A beautiful longing. Real desire.
Was it because he’d just left on a business trip? She didn’t know. She was in love with him. She knew that. And she was attracted. Definitely.
Today it was raw. An unfettered longing. Her mind raced with fantasy. She imagined him behind her, touching her - maybe in public somewhere. Of course, she’d never actually do that. She was a private person. Only her former lovers knew the secret of her (sometimes) responsiveness. He knew.
Why was today so arousing for her? What had allowed her access to this inner sanctum of herself?
Maybe one of the reasons why her body was so responsive today was that he wasn’t actually around. Like many women, she unconsciously muted her arousal so that she could stay safe in a world that feared and shamed the Sexual Woman.
Of course, the same world encouraged women to be the Sexual Goddess when (and only when) they were safely married. And when they wanted to have babies. Unfortunately, for many women, the “don’t have sex until you’re married, then be a Goddess” equation often didn’t work the way it was intended. The “don’t have sex” part stuck really well. The rest of the message, not so much.
She knew that in our society, the Sexual Woman is often feared and shamed. The Sexual Woman who dares to desire non-procreational, non marital sex is seen as immoral and even dangerous. She was married, but still, she got the same message. She only had to look on Facebook to see how people were responding to the conversation about Roe vs. Wade to know how they saw female sexuality. It wasn’t pretty.
Even though they were married, sometimes she still felt ashamed of her intense desire. And when her turn on disappeared for no apparent reason, she felt ashamed too. Her libido felt like a “too hot, too cold” situation she couldn’t win.
On the days when her turn on dried up, she blamed herself. She wondered if she had problems with her hormones - or if she was peri-menopausal. Maybe, but she was only 42.
It could be because she was trying to control something uncontrollable. She wanted to keep her passion in bounds. Be aroused when he’s aroused. Always then. Only then. She tried to keep herself in line.
But some days - like today - it got ahead of her. She’d let her mind wander, her thoughts had taken her to the deeply held space of wanting. The sensations made her feel beautifully alive.
She took a breath and poured herself another cup of coffee. The turned on feeling slowly waned. She got back to some projects on her list. Sent a message to her sister. Got stuff ready for tomorrow.
“Oh well”, she said to herself, “He’ll be home early next week. I’m sure I’ll be just as excited to see him then.”
She really wanted that. Would she be able to find her turn on at just the right time? Maybe. She hoped so.
TL:DR As women, we need to protect our feelings of arousal. Our sexual feelings live in a world where female sexuality is seen as shameful by many people. It’s no wonder we have trouble getting (and staying) turned on. xoxo
PS: If you’re a woman who wants to want it (even though you’re married), book a complimentary virtual coffee chat with me using this link: https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/coffeedate.html Big hug! xoxo