the top 10 warning signs that your sex life is in trouble

Lot of couples come to me after years without sex. They’re distant and lonely. They don’t have any affection, touch or intimacy in their relationship. Often they’re thinking about divorce. You don’t want to end up where they are right now. But how can you know what’s just a little snag and what’s really important when it comes to physical intimacy in your relationship?

Here are the top 10 warning signs that your relationship may be headed for serious trouble in the bedroom. 
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1. You have sex pretty often (which is great) but it’s only because it’ll put your partner in a better mood.
   
   I call this duty sex and I think it’s really bad for both of you. The reason is that your partner can tell when you’re not really into it. And your body won’t relax and respond if you’re forcing yourself. If you’re having duty sex, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
2. You never ask your partner for what you really want in bed.
   
   Maybe you like what’s been going on pretty well, but there are other things you want - like a different way to be touched, licked, sucked or held. You keep your desires to yourself because you don’t know how your partner will respond and you’re insecure about speaking up. If you don’t tell your partner what you desire, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
3. You can’t talk about sex in general - the good or the bad bits.
   
   You know that communication is super important if you want to have a good relationship. But in sex, if you’re not communicating, it’s impossible to keep growing as a couple. Your partner won’t know if what he/she/they are doing is a good thing or a total “NO”. Plus, talking respectfully about sex after your’re finished can be hot and sexy. Keep the fun going. Talk about it.  If you don’t ever talk to your partner about sex, your sex life is in trouble.  
   
   
4. You’re always more interested in your babies and fur babies than you are in sex.
   
   You may or may not have your kids and pets in the bed, that’s not the biggest concern. What’s really a problem is having your kids or pets IN YOUR HEAD all the time - never being able to really be present in your body, mind, spirit during physical intimacy. Sure, your kids and puppies are amazing and need lots of love, but if you’re ALWAYS on mom or dad patrol, that’s a problem. If you can’t ever be present because you’re always worrying about what’s happening in the other room, even during sex, your sex life is in trouble.
   
   
5. Your partner keeps telling you to relax.
   
   You want to relax, you really do. But the more he/she/they say “relax”, the tighter you get. It’s like a vicious cycle. You want to “relax” but the expectations your partner has for you to “just let go” puts you in a bad place and your body shuts down. This isn’t your fault. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from harm. But it’s also a sign of trouble in your relationship because something inside you doesn’t feel safe about sex. If you want to have a good sex life, you need start saying yes to connection (and I know this is difficult particularly if you have a history of sexual assault or abuse).  If your partner keeps telling you to relax, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
6. You hurry your partner to finish during sex because you just want to get it over with. 
   
   The average length of time that most heterosexual couples spend having sex ia 5.4 minutes according the Dr. Google. Yes, you read that correctly. Less than 6  minutes. So, the notion that you “don’t have time for sex” just isn’t true. One of the reasons that this happens is because the sex isn’t good. You or your partner may have problems with discomfort or pain, you may have challenges with ED or early ejaculation in your relationship. There are other reasons, too, but if you’re spending less time having sex than you getting your oat milk latte at the coffee shop, there’s a problem in connection.  If you always just want to get it over with quickly during sex, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
7. You need to get drunk or high in order to have sex.
   
   It’s not a big deal if you want to have a drink or get high sometimes. But, if you NEED to get drunk or high in order to have sex, your body isn’t feeling comfortable about what’s going on. You’re trying to trick your body into saying “yes” when it’s really screaming “NO”.  If you need to get drunk or high to have sex, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
8. You’re distracted or even feel like you’re not really in your body (thinking about something else, or feeling like you’re somewhere else) when you have sex.
   
   Unfortunately, feeling like you’re leaving your body during sex is a  common problem, particularly for people (more often women) who don’t feel safe in their bodies or in their relationships. Sometimes, this is because you’re not listening to your body and getting the help you need to resolve issues in your life from the past. Sometimes, you’re very critical of yourself and you can’t stand seeing the imperfection of your body. Either way, real connection during sex needs real presence and a regulated nervous system.  If you’re dissociating during sex, your sex life is in trouble. 
   
   
9. You fake orgasm (or worry that your partner is faking orgasm).
   
   Sadly, lots and lots of women fake orgasm. There are many reasons for this. One of the biggest is that you want to please your partner by making him/her/them think you’ve climaxed. Another is that you want the sex to be over more quickly because you’ve had enough and your partner won’t stop until you have an orgasm. The problem with this is that when you fake orgasm, you tell your partner that what they were doing is just right for you and it wasn’t. This means that they’re going to do it again and again. If you’re faking orgasm (or you think your partner is)  your sex life is in trouble.
   
   
10. You can’t remember the last time you truly connected intimately.
    
    Maybe you’ve had some quickies along the way - mutual masturbation or intercourse without passion. But, you know what I mean - real connected sex - lovemaking -  is different. It’s personal and engaging. It fills you up in all the ways. When was the last time that happened in your relationship? If you can’t remember, your sex life is in trouble.

What you should do today if your sex life is in trouble

If there’s one piece of advice that I’d give you right now if we were sitting together in my office in downtown Bend, that’d be for you to be present in your body with your partner - communicating about what you desire, hearing what he/she/they want too. It would be great if you got help from a professional who’s comfortable talking about sex.  If your sex life is in trouble, get help. It matters. You got this. 

Xoxo

Jane

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