They were in his tiny apartment in Santa Cruz - up one flight of stairs from the gelato shop and right up the street from the beach. They’d made love in front of the fire. Afterward, he slipped out to get her a treat. He fed it to her with a little spoon. One tiny bite after the next. She never forgot it.
The taste of sweet pumpkin, the warm quilts, the roaring fire. After 30 years of marriage, she still looks for pumpkin in the gelato store every single fall.
But for years, their love affair fell completely apart. They went months without any kind of real intimacy - in the bedroom or (if she was honest) in their day-to-day lives. They were busy with the kids. And eventually with the grandkids. They both had important jobs that kept them fulfilled. The passion faded.
They started to fight and decided to try couples’ counseling. It helped a little bit and the fighting stopped. But they never found the passionate connection that had defined them for so long.
She wanted more but didn’t know how to ask for it. He felt like she wasn’t attracted to him because she never seemed interested in intimacy. He got tired of initiating. She got tired of waiting for him to take the lead.
Neither one of them wanted to live a life without passion, connection, or love, but they didn’t know what to do to change things in their marriage.
Sometimes, she found herself wondering what had happened to her college boyfriend. He started looking at the corner barista with new eyes.
Fortunately, we ended up working together. Their couples’ counselor referred them. She knew I specialize in helping women and their partners with everyday sexual issues.
During our first virtual COVID-safe sessions, we started unraveling what had happened. They both told me about those fall nights when he would bring her pumpkin gelato after lovemaking.
They talked about the challenge they faced with initiation (it’s so common). They figured out how to make time for the real connection they both craved.
They stepped away from the tiny power struggles that were ruining openness between them. They spoke the truth - they both wanted to feel open and alive every day together.
And, as a result - they completely changed their relationship. Now, they have the kind of relationship everyone envies - playful, sexy, fun, easy, and hot.
And when he wants to surprise her, he brings her pumpkin gelato and feeds it to her with a spoon. And they both remember.
If this resonates more than you wish it did, check out the Masterclass I'm hosting.