why don’t you start it for once?

I want her so much that it hurts my feelings when she doesn’t initiate. I feel completely unattractive.

“It would help if I felt like she really wanted it. Sure, she says ‘yes’ sometimes, but I feel like she’s doing it just because I’m pushing her. A pity fk. Excuse my language.” 

That’s what he told me. 

---

He said “I want her to want me. I want to feel desired.”

I asked him how he felt when she said ‘yes’.

 “Well, it’s better than nothing. Usually. But sometimes, I’d rather please myself than have her just do it for me. Hurts my feelings. Makes me feel like trash.” 

The problem of who initiates is common for many couples. Some couples have a relationship where one person always initiates and it’s good for both of them, but for many people, the issue of initiation is troublesome. 

He felt rejected because she never showed him that she wanted him romantically. He saw all the other things she was doing with her time. In his mind, their relationship wasn’t important to her.  

Of course, that might not have been true for her. Maybe her desire was what Emily Nagoski (author of the bestselling book Come As You Are) calls “responsive desire.” Maybe she only gets turned on (or off) in response to what he says or does. 

Maybe his offer of connection arouses her, but she’ll never get turned on without him initiating. 

Or, maybe she’s interested in being intimate, but it’s too difficult for her to get out of her head. This is what Emily Nagoski calls “contextual desire.” The circumstances in her life make her more (or less) interested in sexual intimacy. 

When the kids are in the house - even if they’re asleep, she doesn't want to play. When they’re together at a romantic AirBnB on the coast, she’s easily turned on.

When I explained responsive and contextual desire to him, it helped him feel more comfortable about how things have been going. He realized that her responses weren’t personal. He knew that she had a specific way of being turned on. And after talking with her about his needs, he felt like she understood him better. They created a plan that worked for them both.

Understanding how sexual desire impacts sexual initiation might be very helpful for you, too. Do you think so? Wanna talk?

Xoxo

Jane

PS: Meet me in ZoomLand using this link to get on my calendar: https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/coffeedate.html

This is a complimentary, confidential conversation. ​