It had been cold - not just outside their house in Central Oregon, but cold inside their personal lives - their relationship. It seemed like forever since anything warm happened in the kitchen - let alone in the bedroom.
Last time I wrote to you, I told you my ideas about how to be comfortable naked (no matter what). Here’s a link to that post in case you missed it.
Everyday in my office, I talk with someone who’s either feeling bad about their body, or feeling bad because they lack confidence about sex. Sometimes they’re remembering the way they’ve been brought up by parents who scolded or scared them about sex. Sometimes they’re upset about something that’s happened with their current partner - or with a lover from the past.
It’s tough to be naked. Particularly in front of your classmates or colleagues. You may have read my previous blog post about doing The Mirror Exercise when I was in graduate school. The Mirror Exercise is a confronting group experience where each person in a mixed gender group of sexologists is invited to disrobe piece by piece while looking into a mirror and saying out loud the words that come to mind - speaking the negative (and sometimes positive) self talk that emerges unwelcomed from the mind about the body.
Every day I talk with couples who are struggling with how to stay connected sexually. Sometimes, it’s been weeks, months or even years since they were physically intimate. I get it.
They’re not on the same page about physical touch, affection or sex. One of them wonders why anyone could care that much about sex. The other can’t imagine how their partner can live without intimate physical connection. They’re at the absolute ends of a libido spectrum. It seems impossible for them to change. Honestly, it is impossible without help.
They need my support - or the support of another sex positive helping professional. Without a third party to help them unravel all the feelings they’re having, they’ll never be able to get rid of the barriers to connection they’re experiencing.
They’re in a hole and if they don’t start digging they’ll never get out.
Maybe last week you read my email about that adorable little old lady who came into the office ready to have sex again. At 81 years old, she’d lost her dentures and used a cane to get around, but sex was still on her mind.
That little lady is my hero.
Not because sex is required for people in their 80’s, but because she’d identified her desire and reached out to me for help. If you missed my post, check it out here.