Sexless in Seattle..and Nashville and Denver
It was a typical rainy day in Portland, Oregon and I was shopping for drapes with Jim at Pottery Barn. Jim’s my husband. We’ve been married for forever.
We were looking for something light and airy that would give a warm, cozy feeling to our room. We wanted something sexy so I’d feel open making love during the day.
As we looked at the fabrics and hardware, a young sales woman came over. She asked how she could help us in her well trained (but still satisfying) Pottery Barn voice. I told her that we were looking for sex drapes. I think this shocked her a bit but she stayed cool. When we started to check out, she asked us how long we’d been married and how we’d managed to keep passion alive for so long. She said that most of the people she knew had already lost the passion in their lives - and she was only in her 30’s.
Unfortunately, she was right. Most couples these days (even the “happy” ones ) are basically nonsexual. And I’m not just talking about couples who’ve been married over 20 years like us. I’m talking about lots and lots of couples – even newlyweds. There are lots of reasons for the silent epidemic of sexlessness in our country which I’ll explore in another blog post.
So, how about you? How's your sex life? Is your answer to that question something between awkward, non-existent and soul crushing? Is it just “ho hum?”
If so, I totally hear you. So many of the couples I’m honored to work with online or in person, want more in the bedroom but have no idea how to get it. If this is you - schedule a complimentary call now and tell me what’s been happening (or not happening…) <link here>
The top 2 things you can do today to fix your sex life (Spoiler alert: you don’t have to learn a new position or do something out of 50 Shades)
Most people think that fixing their sex life involves some kind of cool yogi sex move or getting handcuffed to the bed. Don’t worry, even if you hate the idea of getting upside down to have sex, you can still transform your sex life when you start with these 2 crucial steps.
The not-so-sexy truth is that before you can get to advanced moves (if that even interests you), you’ve got to realize that your intimate life matters – and take steps to improve it.
Make it a priority. It goes without saying that if you let everything else in your life take priority over your sex life, you’re never going to find that time. You may have great intentions but unless you want to participate in sex as an activity – and not just a fantasy, you’ll never improve your sex life without putting it at the top of the TO DO List. But even if you’ve made time, you still have to…
Find time for sex. Morning, afternoon delight or in the middle of the night – it all works if you’re both down for real connection – not some kind of drive by nakedness. But, you have no idea how many couples come to me with a sex scheduling problem. You can’t have an amazing sex life it you’re never ready and willing at the same time.
Wondering if you’re on the right track in your relationship? Want a little bit of support? Ask me anything…right here…
Do you know why most men are bad in bed? Because most women lie about their needs and orgasms.
Do you know why most women are bad in bed? Because they never take the time to learn about their own bodies, and desires. And often times too worried and uptight about what they look like, smell like, taste like, or feel like.
For all of you couple's out there who are considering HOW to get your sex life spiced up, or just simply "back in the game", here are my Top Ten Rules To Getting Your Sex Life Back On Track.
Rule #1 Have FUN!
Be playful. Enjoy it. Laugh, a lot. I heard of a couple who, prior to ever having sex, decided to sit and watch porn bloopers. This actually caused them to have the most amazing, light-hearted, enjoyable sex life for many years.
Most couples take sex too seriously. It's an important part of your relationship but can also be one of the most enjoyable, and it shouldn't feel like work.
Rule #2 Stop being "orgasm driven".
Most women enjoy good sex. (Many) men however enjoy any kind of sex, in general. This contrast usually means that women find themselves feeling "obligated" and ultimately shut down to the idea of it entirely. There's just too much pressure otherwise.
For men, my advice to you is to stop being "orgasm driven" and learn to be in the moment (for you both), and truly learn how to please your woman. Be present. Take the time. Make a few sexual encounters "all about her", so she knows you care about her needs as well. Trust me a few nights of focusing solely on your woman, and her beautiful body, and making her feel sexy and important, will go a long way in the end.
Rule #3 Start by learning how to kiss again.
As a sex doctor, I can assure you that I have "heard it all", and let me tell you, nothing shocks me. NOTHING! However, one of the most simple ways to improve your sex life is to learn how to kiss one another again. Kissing is a very intimate part of sex. Do you have any idea what your partner actually prefers when you're kissing them? Open mouth? Tongue? Short little nibbles all over? Long luxurious moments locking lips? Ask your partner this question the next time you two are together. I'd bet you'd be surprised by their answers.
Rule #4 Be patient.
You didn't get a crappy sex life overnight, and it won't get better immediately. Well, it can in some cases, but probably not, so just be patient. Just like you can't lose 50 pounds overnight, you can't fix this overnight. For those of you who have spent the past 20 years disconnected from one another, you must learn to be patient. This is a worthwhile, loving road that takes commitment and patience throughout.
Rule #5 Be open
I'm not just talking about your legs, or threesomes. I'm talking about having an open attitude towards what your partner wants, needs, desires and deserves. This is one of the biggest aspects we work on in "The Lover's Journey" online course (available here on my website). Discussing, openly and honestly, what you truly desire, is important.
Rule #6 Make sure your bedroom is a space you want to have sex in.
Dogs. Cats. Lizards. Kids. Laundry. iPads. These are things that do not belong in your bed with you.
It is imperative that you create a space that is conducive to having sex. It must be private, uncluttered, energetically open to eroticism, sexy, and comfortable. Many couple's turn their bedrooms into the "dump room" (can't have anyone see it room) where they "stash and dash" everything when company comes over. Your space is part of the act of sex. This is why sex is always amazing in 5-Star hotels.
Rule #7 Talk about it, openly and honestly
When was the last time you were open with your partner about what you liked he or she to do to you?
If you have critiques about your partner sexually, save it for a time you're not having sex. If you LOVE something, be sure and tell them IN THE MOMENT that it's happening.
Having an agreed upon sexual vocabulary is also extremely necessary. Most people are turned off by certain words. It's not okay to whisper the word "pussy" in your partner's ear without knowing whether or not she even likes that word at all. Get to know one another in this way. What words do they prefer? What words turn them on, or off?
Rule #8 Learn how to feel sexy again (no matter what your body looks like)
Confidence is the sexiest way you can show up in the bedroom. It's not about what you look like, as much as it is about "how you feel about what you look like." There are many women who are a size 4, who believe they're too fat, and many women who are a size 14 who believe they are super sexy. Trust me when I tell you, the confidence wins, always!
Men, if you're insecure about the size or shape of your penis (or the motion of the ocean), it will not be attractive to your woman. Learn to love yourself and your body as much as you want them to.
Rule #9 Be generous to your partner and grateful.
No one wants to have sex with someone who makes sex all about them. BLAH BLAH BLAH BOOOOORING!!!
This includes initiation. Don't be someone who always makes your partner start sex. They too want to feel desired. And if you're used to saying no, it has led them to believe you're no longer attracted to them.
Be generous with your energy and your actions. Be engaging. Connect. Touch. Pull. Bite. Suck. Lick. Respond. ENGAGE!
Rule #10 Stop judging yourself and/or your partner's desire to have a loving, intimate sex life.
We are all sexual beings, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have an intimate, loving, erotic relationship with your partner. The road to recovery begins with non-judgment. You must stop judging your partner's desires to be intimate with you, or vice versa.
If you need help reconnecting with your partner, please feel free to contact me at Jane@JaneGuyn.com. I have helped couples all over the world, with all kinds of issues, reconnect and discover the intimate, amazing, erotic sex life they long for and deserve!
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Jane Guyn, PhD
Read Dr. Jane's Relationship Blogs Here.