Relationship Blogs |
 Ever wondered if opening your marriage might be the right path for you and your partner? It’s a question that comes up more often than you might think, and when it does, it deserves an open-hearted look.
So, let’s get into it. If you’re considering ethical non-monogamy (ENM), whether that means polyamory, swinging, or something else, there’s one guiding principle that’ll keep you grounded: communicate, communicate, communicate. ENM can bring incredible new dimensions to a relationship, but even when you’re both all in, you’re likely to feel nervous system responses like excitement, curiosity, and maybe even fear or jealousy.
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 I often hear this concern from clients. Life gets routine and the sex that was satisfying when you first met feels stale.
A lot of busy couples have trouble making love twice a week. And just as common as the lack of sex, many of them have ideas about what they’d like to try to reignite the spark, including so-called kink. The word "kink" is interesting. One of the definitions of "kink" is "bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior." In my mind, the things many people are imagining aren't particularly bizarre or unconventional.  A few weeks ago, I had the honor of attending my 50th high school class reunion. Yes, 50th! It was an amazing weekend in Ventura, reconnecting with old friends—some of whom I hadn’t seen in 30 or even 50 years. So cool. So fun.
The long drive to and from California left me reflecting on the warp speed of my teenage years. Some memories were really good, while others, not so much. I reminisced about wonderful moments as a teenager in SoCal, like getting out of the house just in time to see the sunrise at the beach with Him. And I also reflected on the dual existence of being a "popular" girl who got attention for being cute while wrestling with major insecurities and feelings of inadequacy about my body. The high school teacher who seduced me. The terrifying fights between my parents. The unintentionally hurtful comment my then-boyfriend made about my body during an intimate encounter that hit me in a vulnerable place, and stuck with me for years. Have things like this happened in your life, too?  Anxiety is an erection killer. That’s a direct quote from my latest Understanding Intimacy advice column. This month, a divorced man on the other side of a 20-year marriage he described as sexless for the final five years, wrote in asking me to weigh in about confidence, erectile dysfunction, and dating. You can read the full column here. But in summary, I responded with three tips to help face this very common yet difficult issue that many men face.  Here in Bend, things are blooming and it's absolutely gorgeous now that the rain has eased up. I’ve been paddling. And also dancing up a storm in my West Coast Swing class and community. Plus my HS reunion is coming up later this month, and I’m really looking forward to it.
I had a conversation recently where I commented that female sexuality is more SoCal wildfire than a gas fireplace. It starts with the right conditions, takes a spark to light it, wind to whip it up. Once it’s on, it goes for weeks. Maybe that’s why society fears it so much. |
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