tell me what you really (don’t) want.

She was looking forward to dinner with her friend, but life was happening and it was already 6:30. They had zero plans. She texted him.
 

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HER: can’t wait 2 CU. where should we eat? 
HIM: dunno. what sounds good?
HER: mmmm, honestly don’t care.
HIM: me either
HER: U decide.  
HIM: i’m clueless. wanna jump on the phone? 
HER: ok. call you in 5.
HIM: talk soon.

Sadly, the call didn’t fix the problem.

They went round and round some more. Eventually it was late and they were both hangry. They found themselves at Safeway. Dinner was one of those roasted chickens in a plastic bag that looks like a purse with a couple of IPA’s from Deschutes Brewery..  They still had fun,  but the next morning, her fingers were lil’ sausages and she couldn’t get her  ring off.  They’d missed an opportunity for real pleasure together.
 
Making dinner plans can be a whole lot like trying to have s e x. We settle for something good enough (or even bad) when we could’ve had something really delicious.
 
I talked about this on my FB Live this week. You can listen here or just read about it below (with timestamps to the recording.)

How to get what you want at dinner (or in bed)
1:38 We haven’t been raised to know our desires in this culture. We’ve been told that wanting too much is impolite and that we’ll never get what we want anyway, so why even think about it.
2:00 When it’s hard to make decisions about something as simple as where to get dinner, connecting intimately with a partner (and sharing that thing) is almost impossible for most of us.

If this sounds like you, keep reading. 
Step #1  Figure out what you want
What do you really want?  “I want to connect with my partner” is a good start for most of us. This might be something sexual or it could be just a desire to be warm or affectionate. This stuff matters.

Step #2 But maybe more important, know what you don’t want. 
 2:43 Set a boundary - claim your “No”. 
In the story I shared above, if one of them had texted “I’m not feeling Greek” the other could have replied “I’m really not down for Mexican.'' 
They might have ended up with Thai food from the little lady on Greenwood who gives yummy samples in tiny styrofoam containers and calls you “honey.” Then they could have driven up to Pilot Butte to watch the sun set in his Subaru instead of eating too salty chicken on his big brown Costco sectional. 
It can be as simple as claiming just one thing - your Greek Food, the thing that you’re not feeling today. Start there and see where it leads. 

Xoxo 
Jane 

PPS: Ready to figure this out? Start with The Intimacy Workshop. It’s a mini-course designed to get you thinking (and talking) about your relationship for $49. Here’s the link: https://www.howtofixmysexlife.com/workshop.html
You got this.